“I’m Alicia. I’m 19 years old.” This is how the young woman begins her story. She painted her first bead all black with red cracks through it. “Black represents how I feel and how the world feels to me and how I look at it. The red cracks are the traumas in my personality and how I look at life.” This creative process helps her express her feelings and give voice to her often incomprehensible emotions.
Alicia feels there is little understanding of what trauma does to a person. She explains: “I experience that people know very little, let alone understand about trauma. What trauma does to someone, how severe the consequences are.” She stresses the importance of understanding and awareness around trauma, something that is often under-researched. “I do like that a spotlight is being put on that.”
Daily life is full of challenges for Alicia. She says she is often anxious and suspicious, trying to avoid situations and people. “Sometimes you notice that I am anxious, sometimes not at all. That’s also a survival strategy to not show that I’m anxious, so people don’t think I’ve been a victim.”
At work, Alicia tries to hide her feelings. She describes how co-workers were surprised when they found out she was in treatment. “They said, ‘you don’t look sick anyway, you have such a nice smile on your face, you’re okay.’ And then I laugh even harder and really think, you really have no idea what you’re talking about.”
Alicia finds comfort in isolation and often feels safer in her room. Social contacts demand a lot from her and bring constant pressure. During workshops, she does experience some peace because everyone is busy with their own thing. “It’s nice to look at others’ beads. Then you also see that everyone has their own scars and has found a different way to survive.”
People often tell her to put the past behind her, but Alicia explains that trauma has a lasting impact. “Trauma is formed in the past, but that’s not why it stays in the past. It still has an effect on the person you are today.” She compares trauma to iron balls and chains on her body that are constantly tugging at her.
The lack of patience and understanding from others frustrates Alicia. She uses the example of her traumatized dogs to explain how different trauma can manifest itself. Some dogs flee and make themselves small, while others fight and attack. This reflects the ways people can respond to trauma: freeze, flee or fight.
“I love how my dogs show what trauma does to everyone and how everyone reacts differently,” Alicia concludes. Her story is a powerful reminder of the complexity of trauma and the need for understanding and patience in the healing process.
